#2 : Note to Numbself.

Everyone says that I have that kind of posh, good living; out from anyone else. I got a big house, great parents, multi-talented, a bit good looking, cute pets, or such. 

But I just can’t forget that one blank hole inside my heart, which I want to brush it away. Fill it up with every pursuit of happiness. Thinking all day long of my life purpose. Put any kinds of joy I met in any single form, no matter what are they came to me, or when. 

I feel numb.

No matter how many times they told me I have such potentials. No matter how many times I meet people that said they entrust me to help them or lend hands to solve problems. No matter how many millions of stars see the way my parents make sure of me that I can do this or that.

I still numb.

My body’s aching everywhere. As I have grown up, I came to realize that I am that weakling, spent her days to death as nothing more but a nuisance. Nothing.

No matter how many times I have been told I got that precious life to survive on. No matter how many times I have been told, I got to be glad of any conditions I was born with. I was keeping up myself with positive thoughts, or even feelings, that hopefully could mend my broken heart.

They say words are only words,

But why does it feels so heavy to just forget and let it go?

Someone told me that I am a freak. Aunt once said I was a fool. Some people in my fam said I am not as good looking as my cousins are. On the other hand, I was told that I got nothing to be proud of. I often got my words scribbled and confusing, so they thought I am just a kid who can’t be trusted at any single thing. I always remember when someone doing unpleasant body language to me, showing uncertainty or hateful threats, and thought that it was all my fault.

And yet, I confirmed it.

I nodded.

I agreed, silently.

As I just let it be, my heart’s heavier than ever. I can’t barely breathe for minutes or even hours. I feel broken, both inside and outside. The fool of me, I let them break myself. I let those words resound in my head. I let those hurtful memories haunt me, absorb me to the neverending emptiness.

As I just let it be, I remember all the things I have done to the others. How I was being too noisy. How I was being greedy, saying I want everything to be perfect or ideal. How I was being rude towards the people I was talking with. How I didn’t manage to do works in a good way.

A failure.

That always be the endpoint of my monologue discussion. I am a failure.

But then, I remember one thing; 

There’s always ease after hardship. Rainbow after the storm. Sunshine after rains.

No matter how many times I have to face this emptiness, this kind of being a failure,

I have to keep moving.

I have to survive.

At least, not to be literally nothing.

To make me useful in any way that I could. To do me better than ever at some points.

To prove it all to myself,

I deserve to make a meaningful smile and bright memories to left when I have to go.